M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
