My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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