You made me cry and you don't even care
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
