Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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