Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
