I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
