I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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