Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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