If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
