you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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