i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
