I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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