Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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