Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
