My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
