I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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