Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
