I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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