the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
