i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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