I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
