it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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