just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I woke up under a house in Key West
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
