My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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