her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
