It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
