You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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