How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
