Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
