i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
