My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
