Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
