I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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