Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
