I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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