Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize