Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
