Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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