I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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