Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
