Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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