I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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