I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize