I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
