i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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