the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
