Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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