I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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