I smell stomach acid.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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