i jhust puked up my retainher.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
