That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
