I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize