If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
