Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
