he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
