Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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