She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
