My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
