Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Damn victory sex feels great
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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