we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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