Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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