I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize