I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
