wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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