didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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